Things That Make My Imagination Sore (Soar)

Sore...
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Urban Dictionary: Dinosaur Kiss

I'm the proud author of an Urban Dictionary entry! When I learned that the definition of "dinosaur kiss" on urbandictionary.com was horrible, I submitted my own and here it is in all its glory:

Dinosaur Kiss

To lick another person's face from the tip of the nose to the hairline. A particularly good way to end a first date.

Brad: Oh man, dude, Melanie totally gave me a dinosaur kiss after our date last night. Score!

Why are all the bathrooms closed?

A collection of poems

By Nickolas Pickolas

The bathrooms are closed
They clean them all at once
I have to go now

It's late and I'm needing the bathroom
I'd wait, but then there'd be no room
Cuz the cans are all closed
and so, I am hosed!
The next thing I'll do is go boom!

It was late
At night.
My bladder was pleading.
So I searched
Everywhere I found yellow
Yellow signs
They all said "bathroom closed"
"At the same time?"
Asked I.
And my bladder answered
"Yes."

Amen.

Impress Your Date, Provo Style

I laughed so hard when I saw this, I just had to memorialize it here. Welcome to Provo.

see more Epic Fails

Weird Physics Units

First prize in Nick's Weird Physics Units contest goes to:

fb⁻¹

The Inverse Femtobarn!

The "inverse femtobarn" (fb⁻¹) is a measurement of particle collision events per femtobarn. Inverse femtobarns are often quoted as an indication of particle collider effectiveness.

It took Fermilab over a decade to achieve 1 fb⁻¹.

A close second was the shed, which is equal to 10⁻²⁴ barns or 3.86 x 10⁻⁵⁸ square miles.
Third place goes to the einstein, which is a mole of photons (6.022 x 10²³ photons) .
Honorable mentions go to the henry, zeptoweber, and of course, snap, crackle, and pop.

How to Get...

I'm going to Europe this spring, but that has very little to do with this post. What is does have to do with this post is:

Today I googled "How to get cheap European plane tickets." But as I was typing "How to get" the menu popped up listing common search phrases beginning with "How to get." For your amusement, I took a screenshot and have supplied it here. Enjoy.

Wish List - Ugly Sweater - Zombies Attack

In the spirit of black Friday, and especially of Christmas (sarcasm), I'm going to make the lives of my most frequent gift-givers slightly easier by posting an especially random holiday wish list.

It is my hope that they will do likewise, thereby making my gift-buying easy and saving them the embarrassment of having to wear this sweater come Christmas time.The List:
An electric drill
Misc. tools
Anything from this website.
T-shirt-A Day Without Fusion
Book of Secrets
Electronic Gadgets for the Evil Genius
How to Survive a Robot Uprising
Pocket Reference
Sneakiest Uses for Everyday Things
The Zombie Survival Guide
Visual Guide to Lock Picking

Adventure Peeing

A discussion that comes up sometimes in male social circles is the notion of adventurous places one has urinated. Off a cliff, straddling the continental divide, on an exotic bush - you get the picture. These stories form something of a male birth right - to be a real man you have to have peed in (or on) some wicked cool places.

Well finally there is a way for the gentler (and less crude) gender to experience the thrill of adventure urination!

This is a picture of the new single-arch bridge being constructed at the Hoover dam, on the border of Nevada and Arizona. You can see the construction workers joining the last bit of the arch, after which the suspension cables will be removed allowing the arch to carry the full load of the future roadway.

Now look closely, what do you see? Four magnificent, glistening porta-potties!

People of the female persuasion, welcome to the world of adventure peeing.

A Funny Story About My Poor Car

So, the other day a fence fell on my car. Yeah, it hurt.

As you can see it's one of those big heavy wooden fences. Perhaps too heavy for wind to knock over... Anyways, I have insurance, so they're gonna help me out, except for that pesky $500 deductible. The damage was actually pretty bad, as you can see in the next picture:

The side-view mirror is toast, and there's a gigantic dent in the door - that's the pricey part. The initial estimate was $890.33, but then I got a call saying things were worse than they thought and it'll cost (them) more to fix it. So I'll pick my car up tomorrow morning and pay Geico $500 (Geico by the way has been great through all this), and then I'll try to go after the place I'm staying at to get my money back.

Here's the funny part. Later that night after seeing a movie with some friends, I was driving home and saw a drunk guy crossing the street in front of me at a stop light. The guy was clearly soused out of his mind and was probably going to fall in the river or get hit by a car or something, so I offered him a ride.

Once he got in my car and I finally got him to put his seat belt on, he instructed me that he was going to throw up, so I put down the window and told him to aim outside. After driving around following his mostly incoherent directions, I finally stopped where I thought he might live, he opened the door of my car and fell out onto the grass and threw up there for awhile.

I decided to stick around to make sure he didn't die there on the grass or something. When he was done he got back into my car and showed me that he had barf all over his hands. I told him to not touch anything and then he told me he didn't live there.

So we drove around for a bit more until we were (apparently) close enough and I dropped him off and he stumbled away among the bushes, presumably to where he lived.

So the funny part about all this is a couple days later I took my car to the insurance agent to get my damaged door evaluated. As I took the agent to check out my car I noticed a whole boatload of bird poop on the passenger door. Slightly puzzled, I ignored it while I talked to the agent, and then all of a sudden I realized it - that drunk guy had barfed all over my fence-mangled door! Kinda added insult to injury.

So I just pretended I didn't see it and let the mechanics deal with it. =D

This Post Needs No Title

Please submit captions for this picture in the comments section. The winner will receive a high-five, or if he/she is not local, a smiley face.

'Star Wars' scientists create laser gun to start mosquito holocaust!

As defense for basic, and often far-out physics research, here's a way cool application of high-speed lasers - to kill billions and billions of blood-sucking parasites!

'Star Wars' scientists create laser gun to kill mosquitoes - CNN.com

Navel Perplexity

Over the past six months I have consistently been finding copious amounts of lint in my navel.

This sudden arrival has caused me to ponder the genesis of the fibrous materials and their mysterious gravitation toward my umbilicus.

I have formed no hypotheses, but promise to enlighten you when I do.

Pig Poem

Here's a poem I wrote to a friend the other day in church:

There once was a lad
who wasn't too glad.
But then he learned a jig
from his best friend, a pig.

So the pig
and the jig
made the lad
much more glad.

And then he had some toast.

Cat

I'm Really Sorry About Your Goats...

I had no idea. I'm so sorry. =(

The Biggest Joke on the Duck Ever

Mitch Hedberg is pretty much the funniest guy in the whole world.
We share a deep love of ducks.

A Dream

Last night I had a dream that if you wore a yellow hat you could teleport anywhere instantly. Then, as I was standing in the shower this morning, it suddenly occured to me,

wouldn't you get fat?

Evil 101

B.A. in Evil Mastermind

Department of Dictatorial Sciences
College of Tyrannical Studies
Brigham Young University

For students entering the degree program during the 2008–2009 curricular year.

Program Requirements: 55.0 – 60.0 total hours.

Complete the Following:
101. Megalomania and You (1:1:0)
An introduction to careers in evil.
105. History of Tyranny (4:4:0)
Survey of world tyrannical empires.
106. Historical Tyrants (4:4:0)
In-depth historical analysis of their motivations, methods, and management styles.
180. Introduction to Torture (2:2:1)
Its history and theory.

205. Classic Historical Blunders (3:3:0)
Asian land wars, hot lava, and democracy.
206. Never Invade Russia in the Winter (3:3:0) (part 1 of 2)
210. Laughing (1:1:1)
Methods of diaphragm, pitch, and tone control.
220. Intermediate Torture (2:2:2)
Hot, cold, and sharp things.
224. Secret Agents (1:1:0)
How to kill first, laugh later.
225. Personal Persona (2:2:0)
Your uniform, facial hair, and office space.


301. Public Relations (3:3:0)
How to make good people think you’re good too.
302R. Advanced Public Relations (2-4:4:2-4)
Practicum in propaganda.
307. Never Invade Russia in the Winter (3:3:0) (part 2 of 2)
350. Natural Resources (2:2:1)
Effective use of sharks, oil, and plutonium.
360. Oppression (2:2:1)
Effective use of basic human needs.
371. Blitzkrieg (3:3:0)
Its history and modern potential.


410. Effective Exploitation of Interpersonal Relationships (3:3:1)
Basic manipulative principles including ransom, hostages, and threats. Lab included.
416. Advanced Torture (2:2:2)
Annoyance, audacity, and fallacious statements.
425. Personnel Management (3:3:0)
Intimidation in the workplace.
426. Advanced Personnel Management (3:3:0)
How to not kill all your useful staff.
480. Superweapons (3:3:0)
Lasers, missiles, and space.

498. Senior Thesis (3.0-6.0)
Small scale ascent to power demonstrating methods learned. Examples include, but are not limited to: student government, workplace cout de ta, school board, small country, etc.

Recommend courses
Geog 120 (3:3:0) Geography and World Affairs
ArtHC 111 (3:3:1) Introduction to Art History
Hum 250 (3:3:0) Introduction to Interdisciplinary Humanities

Dramatic Breakup

And now, a dramatic reading of a real breakup letter from a real person:

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

"...i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS D%#* WORLDDDDDDDDDD id rather date a spider or a rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!!!!..."
Note: This audio clip contains foul language, but is hilarious.

Best of Craigslist

I couldn't help it, I must cite these hilarious craigslist ads I found whilst browsing around:

• Maxwell's Silver Hammer
• Dead Moose
• Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic
• Decapitated Dolls
• Ferocious Attack Kitten
• Slugs for Lease
• Nemesis Required
• Catbus

*These links might not work for computers and networks with an internet filter.