Dramatic Breakup

And now, a dramatic reading of a real breakup letter from a real person:

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

"...i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS D%#* WORLDDDDDDDDDD id rather date a spider or a rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!!!!..."
Note: This audio clip contains foul language, but is hilarious.

Dragon Dissection

I'm in a little comedy right now: The Fatted Dragon. It's part of the New Play Project production Long Ago and Far Away.

I play a low-confidence serf in a seemingly collapsing marriage (but which is actually going quite well) set in the fantastic (fantasy) middle ages.

As part of the play, I comedically dissect a dragon, gradually pulling out a pulsing green organ, a giant heart, random entrails, and lots of bones. It's all kinds of fun!

Any and all should come, tickets are only $5, and the show runs through this weekend. With seven short plays total, you're bound to find something you like, even if you don't think I'm very funny!

Visit New Play Project's website for showtimes and ticket sales.

Read a review of the show by a BYU English professor.

Digging to China

Remember when we were kids and we always talked about digging a hole to China? Well, it turns out (like most everything we believed as kids) that we were completely wrong. From almost anywhere in the continental United States, if you dug a hole straight down, you would end up smack-dab in the middle of the Indian Ocean. A few lucky children would actually have been right:

Digging from 20 miles southest of Lamar, Colorado you'd pop out on this little desert island in the middle of nowhere. (Notice the small town on the northeast shore? Also notice the lack of a name.)

About 10 miles southwest of Cheyenne Wells, Colorado, you'd get lucky and hit this beautiful little volcanic island.

Definitely the prettiest place you could dig to from the continental US is this beautiful, snowy, Antarctic Island. You could get here if you started digging from Northern Montana.

Other than those three locations, is seems that anywhere else in the Continental US you dig straight down from will land you right smack-dab in the middle of the ocean.

But what about Alaska and Hawaii? I'm afraid Alaska doesn't help you out much either. Most of Alaska will land you in the Indian Ocean as well, except for the very northern-most tip, which will get you to Antarctica.

Now, Hawaii, that's a place to dig! Straight down from Hawaii is the exotic land of Botswana, Africa.

I'm sorry to have burst your childish dream of digging to China... Later, I'll destroy your childish ideas concerning Columbus "discovering America," space being a "vacuum," and the more-often-wrong-than-right rule of "i before e except after c."

Best of Craigslist

I couldn't help it, I must cite these hilarious craigslist ads I found whilst browsing around:

• Maxwell's Silver Hammer
• Dead Moose
• Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic
• Decapitated Dolls
• Ferocious Attack Kitten
• Slugs for Lease
• Nemesis Required
• Catbus

*These links might not work for computers and networks with an internet filter.

Craigslist Adventures

A couple of buddies and I are looking for a house to live in this next year.

I posted an ad on craigslist, hoping someone will contact me and I won't have to search much (I sure get tired of apartment hunting!).
http://provo.craigslist.org/sha/756918298.html permalink

Then I had a fabulous idea.

I posted another on craigslist, again, hoping someone will contact me and I won't have to search much (I sure get tired of wife hunting!).
http://provo.craigslist.org/msr/756923228.html permalink
*This link might not work for computers and networks with an internet filter, try the permalink.

Al Qaeda is Stealing our Helium

Did you know?

Helium doesn't change the pitch of your voice? It really only changes the timbre. The speed of sound is three times faster in helium than in normal atmospheric air - faster speed means increased resonant frequencies, which means "higher" timbre. It does the same thing in wind instruments!

Carbon hexafluoride lowers the timbre of your voice? Just like helium, (except the opposite) the speed of sound is changed - this time decreasing the resonant frequency.

At normal pressures, helium will remain a liquid at absolute zero.

Helium is most commonly used in hospitals. (To supercool magnets in MRI machines.)

Of all the elements, helium has:

• The highest work function
• The highest heat conductivity (at the lambda point)
• The lowest boiling point, and
• Near-infinitely small flow viscosity below 2.17K (the lambda point).

In normal bloke talk, helium is:

• The most harmless element
  
• The most surprising element
  
• A gas the longest (gets the coldest), and is
• A very picky element (no holy containers - not even if you buy them in Jerusalem).

The Conspiracy

Helium atoms have a higher average velocity than the earth's escape velocity.

Since January 2008, helium producers worldwide have raised their bulk prices by 50%.

Currently there is a helium shortage in the world.

Helium is the second most abundant element in the universe.

The U.S. produces 90% of the world's helium.

What does all this mean?
1) Nick has been working on his liquid helium research too much, and
2) Terrorists.

For more interesting and somewhat amusing anecdotes concerning liquid helium and my other noble gas adventures, stay tuned. For now, the liquid helium research is SECRET... so that the terrorists don't find out...