Saturday, February 13, 2010

High-speed Pursuit

I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. You definitely want to read this.

Tonight as I was leaving a friend's house just before 1:30 am I was walking across a street and a maroon minivan slowed down and a water balloon came flying my way. I calmly watched as the as-yet unknown object spattered about five feet away from me and then looked both ways to cross the street.

I thought I was being pretty cool by not reacting at all. But as I walked the block or so to my car I got an even awesomer idea. Mwahahahahaha...

I hopped in my little red zoom zoom car (stick shift) and went looking for them. Luckily, they were easy to spot because they pulled a U-y down the road as they trolled for more unsuspecting pedestrians. They took a left in front of me and pulled over to the side of the road - to reload maybe or come up with some not-lame plans. I turned and pulled right up behind them - even sticking out in the intersection a bit. I kept my lights on right in their mirrors but lowered the sun visor to hide my face.

Then I sat there. Mwahahahaha.

They didn't know who I was nor did they have any idea that they had thrown a water balloon at me, but I bet they got nervous real quick. They pulled out into the road and I followed, made a left turn, I followed, and then a right, and I still followed. They then pulled over again. To be safe from errant water balloons, I pulled over a few parked cars behind them and, keeping my lights on, waited again.

This time they sat longer, obviously trying desperately to convince themselves that this was all a strange coincidence. As the possibilities narrowed in their simple little minds I imagine they became more and more panicked.

Suddenly they pulled back into the road and took off like a bat out of hell. Panicking, of course, which is what teenagers do best.

This was the fun part - I'm in my little red zoom zoom stick shift car (which is way fun to drive) and they're a bunch of high school chumps driving mom's maroon minivan.

Let the evil laughing begin! Mwahahahahaha.

We tore through the dark residential streets of south Provo. Many of the intersections in this part of town have yield signs instead of stop signs. This allowed our high-speed chase to be extra exciting! Finally after a series of screeching turns they got far enough in front of me that I lost sight for a moment. When I rounded the corner where I had lost sight of them I didn't see them anywhere - they had vanished.

But I knew they weren't far enough in front of me to get around the next corner without at least catching their tail lights. So I pulled my car over on the side of the road and turned it off.

I sat in my car laughing for about 5 minutes when a high school kid with scrubby hair walked out of a parking lot immediately behind me. I watched him through my rear-view mirror as he passed behind my car and across the street pretending to be just a dude walking home. I almost believed him - until I caught a tiny glance over his shoulder - then he pulled out his cell phone.


As he nonchalantly walked away and talked on his cell phone he clearly become confident that I hadn't noticed him and that he was getting out of sight in the darkness. I then caught three direct glances as he relayed the information to his friends parked in the dark parking lot behind me.

I turned my car on and drove away.

As soon as I was out of sight I gunned it - burning rubber to come around the block and catch their getaway. Just as I rounded the corner, I saw the same maroon minivan trucking it the opposite direction from where I had left.

Perfect! Mwahahahahaha!

They drove past me not realizing I had them and the pursuit started anew as they crapped their pants in fear.

If you've ever driven a stick shift, you'll know how much fun it is to go fast. Especially when said vehicle is small with moderately good suspension. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun!

This high-speed pursuit lasted longer and was much faster, taking us into neighborhoods that I didn't know as well. Eventually we came around to the main road that it all began on and they really took off. The speed limit was 45 mph and they were going about 70. Not willing to go much faster than 60 mph (law abiding citizen, right?) they gained a lot of ground - weaving in between cars to get ahead. Their winning maneuver, however, was to catch a perfect yellow light, leaving me stuck behind unsuspecting civilians at the intersection.

As I sat at the red light watching them disappear around the corner I flashed my lights at them to signal a game well played.

Ah, stupid high schoolers. You're so fun and predictable.

Although I do hope they wore their brown pants today, for their sakes.


Izzy said...

all I can say is...... hah!

Lisa said...

That. Is. Awesome. Wish I could have seen it. :)

H. L. Burkholder said...

omg nick. That is ...

I tip my hat to you.

Jessica Rose said...


Hewett Gardeners said...

very funny! i love high speed chases! thanks for telling it so well :)